Lost in Thoughts
by thegothchick67
Summary: Hey, I'm Gwen. It's 4:00 in the morning and I'm lying in bed with three major thoughts in my head that I'm about to share. With you. And trust me, they aren't good thoughts
1. Introduction

_**Hey guys this is a quick story that will be uploaded and finished quite quickjly as I am sitting in my bed late at night and am being lost in thought with myself and my feelings. I need to do something to help me go to sleep (as it is 4:00 am) and help me express what I'm feeling right now. It's also some vulnerability of myself and a small look into my personal life so … I hope you enjoy!**_

 _ **-Sami**_

* * *

It's late at night. About 4 o'clock in the morning to be precise if you wanted to know. You're probably wondering, "Why are you up so late Gwen? Do you have a flight to catch to go on an amazing all-paid vacation or something?" No. I wish I was up this late for a reason like that, but the reason is not as important as that. Sometimes, I lay in bed and just think. Think. Think. Think. It's usually not important thinking though, it's mostly just things such as "what will I have for supper tomorrow? What will I wear to work? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it really make a sound?" you know, silly things like that. But not tonight... Tonight I was having the worst thoughts that anyone could ever think of when lying in bed by yourself. You know, thoughts that fight with each other non-stop and won't resolve until you finally find an answer for yourself. Those are the thoughts that I was having tonight and it was not fun. Let me break down the thoughts for you.

Thought 1: What are we?

Thought 2: Why me?

Thought 3: What will I do with myself now?

You may think these thoughts are involved with one situation but they are all different. These thoughts are not, in any way, related to each other. The only similarities these thoughts have are that they are keeping me up at night. I guess to make this make more sense I should tell you why these thoughts have even appeared in my nightly thinking routine. Get ready for stories that will send shivers down your spine.


	2. Thought 1: What Are We?

**_Thought 1: What are we?_**

* * *

Have you ever been in such an awkward but beautiful relationship between yourself and someone else? It sounds really strange when describing what we are honestly, I mean, we've been family friends since... well... diapers and now we've grown up, both twenty years old, and now we're friends with benefits but we're low key dating but we're just childhood friends? Why can't we just be one or the other? I feel like that would make me feel more at ease with myself and how I feel about him when we hang out. I know what you're thinking... Gwen, why don't you just ask him? Why don't you just make it official yourself? Well... It's not that easy you see...

 **15 years earlier**

"We are inviting Duncan to the party right?" my mom says to me with a smile on her face. I nod and giggle in response and write his name down on my invitation list. I'm turning five years old in a few weeks and I couldn't be more excited to spend it with my best friends that I met in my preschool! My list isn't very big, but that doesn't matter because the people who really matter are on there:

 **Bridgette**

 **Leshawa**

 **Courtney**

 **Izzy**

 **Trent**

 **DJ**

 **Geoff**

 **Owen**

 **Duncan**

I smile and hug the list, just thinking about how amazing this party is going to be! I want everything to be blue, green, and red this year since I am a huge fan of the Powerpuff Girls and how strong and awesome they are. Fighting crime and beating up the bad guys! My mommy takes my list of people I want to invite and ruffles my hair.

"This is going to be a great party I can already tell"

"Of course mama! 'Specally if Duncan is dere!" I say innocently and she laughs as she goes into the kitchen to make lunch.

Duncan and I have been friends by force since our parents have been best friends since they were big kids. Apparently my daddy and his daddy played in a band together too which is super cool! I never hang out with Duncan at preschool because I'm too busy playing Barbies with Bridgette and Leshawna but whenever they aren't there (for some reason) I hang out with Duncan and his friends who have become my friends now! They play weird games like super heroes and villains and I'm always the girl who the villain tries to take away from the heroes. They say that it's like the Marito game they play at home but I'm not really sure what that is...

"Gwen! Let's go make your party invitations now!" my mommy shouts from the kitchen and I eagerly go to the kitchen and get my creative juices flowing.

 **10 years later**

" _It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas_ " Michael Buble sings from the tv in my living room as my mom is frantically cleaning up the evidence that we are a very messy family and can't clean up our own stuff.

"I could use some _help_ here" my mom says breathlessly, emphasizing the word "help" to show how desperate she needs extra hands. I roll my eyes and put down my phone.

"Fine... but I think dad should at least help too" I mutter, mostly to myself. She nods in agreement and huffs.

"Yeah but your dad won't do anything that I tell him to do because he never listens to me anymore. Probably because he's so sick of me nagging him all the time to do stuff" I laugh in response and help my mom clean up around the house.

It's Christmas Eve day and my mom is panicking at the fact that our house is a mess and that we are about to have guests over in a few hours. It's a tradition that my family hosts Christmas Eve celebrations every year, and each year my mom stresses over the fact that we need to be cleaner so that this cleaning up job isn't as hard for her as she says she's getting older each year, which is true. We don't have that many people come over though. My grandparents, my aunt and uncle, sometimes my cousin, and some family friends. Duncan and his family usually come over but they said that they might not this year because some family issues have come up, which makes sense why they wouldn't come but I am really upset that I won't get to spend time with Duncan on the one day of the year that we actually see each other.

Duncan and I go to the same school, but unfortunately we have our own friends now and we have our own cliques. I don't really like his friends; they're loud, annoying, and rebellious and I'm not really into that kind of crowd. Some of his friends have even had alcohol which is so gross and strange; they're only fifteen for Christs' sake! Duncan has had some alcohol too but I'm not going to tell him that I know because that would probably get him mad at me and I don't like conflict so I'm deciding to keep that a secret forever.

"I'm upset that the Carters may not come this year" my mom says as she mops the floor.

"Yeah… This is the one day Duncan and I spend time with each other and he has gone and soiled it" I say jokingly. My mom lifts her eyebrow at me and smirks, obviously she didn't think I was joking.

"So…. When are you and Duncan going to start dating?" I roll my eyes

"Not again mom… I told you! We're friends but we aren't going to date. It'd be weird if I dated my childhood friend. Besides, we barely see each other anyway so I don't see how anything will ever happen between us" I cross my arms and stare/glare at her. She shrugs her shoulders

"I just feel like it would be cool if Val and I were right about you two dating, then getting married…. You guys would make such cute childr-"

"MOM! Can we _please_ focus on cleaning the house?" I interrupt her before the conversation got way too out hand.

"Ah shit! I forgot!" and back to scrubbing the floor she went.

 **4 years later**

"Oh FUCK! Duncan….." I moan out as he continues to thrust into me. I didn't know how we got to this point but I knew it felt fucking amazing. Here we are in his res room bed. Naked and having sex. I never really fully understood how it even happened. At first we were watching a movie cuddled up under his sheets. We have done this a few times already (the cuddling part that is) and it was pretty innocent enough, but today it was a different atmosphere, like we both knew that we were going to fuck each other sooner or later and tonight was the night we decided to do it.

We were sweaty, panting, and groaning by the end of it. I lied myself on his chest and mumbled, mostly to myself.

"I can't believe we actually did that…." He chuckled at that and responded with a sarcastic tone in his voice.

"Why? I mean I thought it was pretty obvious that we were going to at some point" I roll my eyes at him

"Yeah but like, we actually did it…." I chuckle, "I can't believe our moms were right about something"

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean 'what do you mean?'? I mean that our moms always joked about us getting together and here we are… banging in your res room…" he sighed

"Yeah I guess…." Silence.

"So…"

"So…. What?"

"What do you think our moms would say if we told them about…. This?"

"Well…. I'm sure not going to tell mine"

"Why not?"

"Why would I?"

"Mmmm…. Yeah I guess that's true…."

We fall asleep.

* * *

You still may be thinking, "Gwen! Just ask him!" but I have, or well…. I have tried to, but he always pushes the conversation aside and tries to change the subject. I could go to my mother but I'm afraid of what she would say… Would she be proud of me? Be all "I told you so!" or the "I knew it!"? Does she already know? The thing is, after the first time we had sex, we have been hanging out _way_ more often. If you thought of that "0-100 real quick" saying, well… That was us and how much we started hanging out again. Because we go to the same university it's really easy to hang out since the campus is so small and everything is pretty much walking distance. That isn't the reason why this thought is in my head though.

The real reason is that I don't really know where we stand, even as of now. This isn't a one-sided relationship-type (whatever we are) thing. When we're in his dorm room he initiates couple-like things first such as wrapping his arm around me, leaning his head on my shoulder, pulling me close when we're about to fall asleep; you know, cute things like that. When I'm over at his house I initiate first since I feel like he needs more convincing since his mom is usually home and he's scared of her finding out that we're a…. thing? But after a few minutes he reciprocates and lightly rubs my thigh with his thumb or lets me lay my head on his lap. We're comfortable with each other and obviously he likes seeing me change after our sleepovers, as I do when he's changing as well. We may be childhood friends… but it really feels like we're dating on the down low and in secret from our family. His brother Shawn knows about it but it's not because we told him, it's because he could just "sense it" whenever Duncan and I were hanging out.

I asked Bridgette and Leshawna for advice but I didn't specifically say that it was me and Duncan, I just said that it was happening in a book. Leshawna says that guys do that when they don't want to commit to actually be in a relationship so the man, and I quote, "is a pussy because he don't know his own feelings and is just confusing the poor girl and her feelings and she should just give that loser up for someone better who actually knows what he wants!" I love Leshawna. She's so real. Usually I would take her advice but… This feeling that I have for him… for Duncan….. I want him and I to date but I feel like that would ruin our friendship and make things weird for our families, especially if we broke up. I want him to feel the same way… but I can't read minds or what he's feeling. He's so unpredictable and hard to read since he puts on that tough guy routine for everyone else…. I just wish I knew…

What are we?


	3. Thought 2: Why Me?

**Thought 2: Why Me?**

* * *

I know, I'm pathetic... Why can't I keep my thoughts to myself? The fact that I'm telling you all of my thoughts just shows how weak I am and how much I crave attention. Many of my friends says that it's important to let yourself vent. To let off steam and to finally get those feelings out in the open, even if it's on pen and paper and kept secret in a diary. Unfortunately, I'm more of a 'keep it to yourself' kind of girl. I don't like expressing feelings that aren't the usual happy or excited or... Well... Anything that isn't negative I guess. So why now? Why have these feelings and thoughts suddenly gotten to me like this? Maybe because this thought has been haunting me for a while now. For almost a year... I've kept this to myself. But now, I, Gwen, will tell you one of my deepest darkest secrets.

 **Summer of last year**

I'm laughing with my co-workers and having a few drinks with them at a club. It's a Friday night and my coworkers and I have planned this night for months now. We've made a group chat and everything.

 **Trevor:** Guys this is going to be awesome! I'm so excited for tonight. I'm going to be F-U-C-K-E-D

 **Rachel:** Um yeah. tmi Trev. But I agree with the awesomeness of the night that will be upon us!

 **Gwen:** Guys! I'm so sorry but my guy friend is having a going away party at his house before he leaves! So idk how long I can stay

 **John:** WHAT?! No Gwen you HAVE to come to this! We've been planning this day for months now and you decide to ditch us now?!

 **Gwen:** Nono! I'm coming! But I don't know how long I will be able to stay there

 **John:** Oh good. You better come.

And here we are. I only had one drink, but that drink was water since I had to drive over to my guy friends house later that night. My coworkers were pretty wasted at this point, which was hilarious since I have never seen them this way before.

"Gweeeeennnn! Yooou are da bestesssst employee evaaah!" Trevor slurs as he wraps his arms around my shoulders and I laugh

"Trev, you're so wasted! Want some water?" I hold up my glass but he pushes it away reluctantly

"Nnnnnnnno! I'm sooooo good!" I roll my eyes and smile, taking another swig of hard-core water.

The rest of the night went smoothly. No one puked or went off into the wild streets of the city so I call it a successful night. I waved goodbye to my coworkers as they went off with each other to get some drunk pizza and poutines. I drive to my guy friends house even though it is 2 in the morning because I don't want to miss his last party before he leaves and moves across the country.

His name is James. He became one of my best friends in high school and who has always stood up for me; pretty much my ride or die. However, his father got a promotion that he couldn't refuse and now James and his family are moving across the country, meaning that I will be lonely without my ride or die. Yeah, I still had Duncan if I was ever in a tight pinch but James was someone who I could really rely on and gossip with. I finally get to his house after a long drive and bursts through the door. I kind of expected more people when I came in, but the people who were there greeted me with smiles. Drunk smiles.

"Gweeeeennn!" one of my guy friends, Lucas, says as he waves is bottle of vodka at me. I wave back and get comfortable in one of the chairs.

"Hah, away from one group of drunks into another group of drunks" I smirk and look around the room. Everyone in the room is either high as a kite, or drunk off their asses. Either way, it makes me happy that I could be with my best friend before he moves away.

"Gwen! Do you want some alcohol? I don't have much left but it can definitely get _you_ drunk" James laughs and hands me a mixed drink. I hate drinking pop but when alcohol is involved, I really don't have a choice. I chug down my drink as I try to catch up with my friends even though I'm a lightweight I always feel like I should drink a lot to catch up with everyone else who is already five drinks in.

 **Later that night**

"Fuuuuuck..." I mumble as I fall down into a chair. Totally wasted and tired. It's about four in the morning now and we're still drinking and talking but I realize now that I'm too drunk and am incapable to actually create sentences. I look around the room and see that most of the people are also in the same head space as I am. I giggle a little bit and try to stand up.

"Do you need some help?" James laughs as he holds out his hand for me to grab. I grab it and he yanks me up, maybe a little too fast. I wobble and fall into his arms... and almost vomit. I rush to the washroom and finally let out all the food I had for supper out of my body. It burned my throat and make it rough like sandpaper. But God did it ever feel good. After my puking fest I wash my face and leave the washroom.

"I'm going to bed..." I call out. Mostly to James and stumble into one of his spare bedrooms. I hear a snoring from inside the room and realize that Lucas is sleeping in the bed beside the one I was claiming for my own. I crawl into bed and close my eyes. Right before I completely fall asleep I hear a voice by the door of the bedroom.

"Um... Gwen...? Are you in here?"

"H-Huh?" I sit up and I see a shadow being outlined by the hallway lights behind them. From process of elimination, I could only conclude that the person in front of the door is one of my friends Vernon.

"Um... Is anyone sleeping in the other bed?" he asks. I nod

"Lucas is sleeping in there"

"Oh. Well... Can I sleep with you?" I know it may be weird. But Vernon and I have been friends just as long as James and I have been friends. I trust him and I knew that it wouldn't be weird. Besides, he has a girlfriend and I know he loves her a lot so I knew nothing would happen... Nothing would happen... Nothing would...

"Yeah sure" I reply and scoot over to make room for him. He hops right beside me and I start to drift off the sleep with him beside me until he whispers.

"Um... Can we... cuddle? Not like in a weird way. I just sleep better like that"

"Sure. I like cuddling" he wraps his arm around me and I start to fall asleep again. I start drifting off to sleep until I feel a hand. A hand that I never knew would touch me this way. I feel his breath in my ear quicken as his hand goes further and further up my thigh.

 _What. What is going on?!_ I'm internally screaming to myself. My heart quickens. My breath gets heavy. But not in the way humans' breaths quicken when they get turned on. Not like his breath in my ear. My breath is short and heavy.

Out of fear.

I feel the hand rub my thigh and then it goes closer and closer to my butt.

I wish it was a dream. I wish someone would pinch me and get me out of this nightmare.

 _Someone! Anyone!_ I scream to the empty void of darkness in my head.

 _You have a girlfriend! I'm not her! Please don't do this!_ I'm internally screaming inside of my head but nothing comes out through my mouth. I shut my eyes tighter.

 _Maybe. If I don't respond. He'll stop. Maybe... Maybe he'll-_

I feel his hand grip my butt tightly and I almost start crying. I'm so scared at this point. What is happening? Why is this happening to me?

I don't move. I don't speak. I just cry all night until he stops touching me. Touching me. Touching me.

* * *

That is it. My second thought. I don't need sympathy. I don't want people to treat me any differently either. I just want people to know that it happened and that it has been on my mind for almost a year now.

I told James one day. It just slipped out of my mouth and he was in shock and was disgusted. He held me as I tried not to cry as I recalled the scene in my head. It still bothers me today. Every time I hear the name, I freeze up and get anxious and scared. Every time something happens that reminds me of him I almost cry out of fear. He and I were friends for a long, long time but now I can't even look or think about him without wanting to cry. James tells me I should probably go to therapy or just talk to my parents since the event keeps me up at night and makes me cry on some occasions. But I just can't bring myself to do it.

As I said before. I only want to express happy feelings and hide the negative ones in front of my peers and friends. I put up a mask that hides the pain that I hold deep inside me. I guess it's true what people say, "the happiest people hide the darkest of secrets" and I am no exception to that in the slightest. However, even after all the great times I have with my friends, it's always nights like these that I sit and wonder to myself:

Why me?


	4. Thought 3: What will I do with Myself?

**Thought 3: What will I do with Myself Now?**

* * *

I'm sorry. That last thought was really intense and this one will probably be pretty lakilester compared to that one. I know that many people think about this at least in some point of their lives. I have been told many times that my job will not make me money and I will be in debt forever. I'm so scared for my future and I know lots of people who choose the Arts as a career path are as well. Not only stressed out by what the future will have in store, but also if I will even have a future that I will be proud of. I pray every night before I sleep that I will have a successful future (or at least... a future that makes me happy) but being an artist makes me nervous as well, even if it's something I'm truly passionate about. My parents are very optimistic and proud of me and my work but... Am I even proud of what I'm doing anymore?

 **15 years earlier**

"Momma! Momma! Look!" I hold up a picture that I drew in preschool that day. I'm actually pretty proud of this drawing as I think it's the best one I've drawn all month. Right after lunch we were told to find an object and draw it or find something that inspires you and draw it. Either way, we were supposed to draw something, and I drew the playground outside and then I drew my friends and I playing on it.

The drawing itself was super colourful! I used blue for the sky and green for the grass as most people do (I mean, it's common sense). I then drew the swings with Trent and I swinging on it and laughing, Duncan and Leshawna playing tag near the slide, and Courtney and Owen playing X's and O's on the playground itself. My momma gasped and held it up to the light of the kitchen.

"Oh my goodness Gwen! This is amazing!" she smiles and ruffles my hair, "I can't believe my little five year old is so talented in drawing!" she then takes a magnet and puts the picture on the fridge door.

"Gwen" my momma says to me, "whatever you do, do what you love and don't let others tell you anything different" I nod in agreement and smile. I know I'm great at drawing! I don't know why people would be mean to me and say that I'm bad. I frown at the thought.

"Momma... Will there be people dat will say my drawlings suck?" she sighs and looks me in the eyes

"I hope no one ever does, but if they do... Don't listen to them. You're so talented. Your drawings deserve to be bragged about and I can't wait to see how much they get better when you get older"

 **12 years later**

"And the winner is... Heather!" I hear applause hit my ears and I feel defeat. I look down and I feel utterly crushed. This was my one chance to look better than Heather and I squandered it.

I'm seventeen years old at this point and in high school. I have been top of my art class all year and my art teacher really likes the style of my art and how I can show my true feelings within my paintings and drawings. Some may be dark but that just shows the feelings I have that day. Usually when they're pretty sad or depressing, my teacher would talk to me after class and try and figure out what made me so sad that day. She really is like a second mom to me. A few weeks ago, she suggested that I sign up for an art competition against the best students in the district. One of them was my rival, Heather.

Heather and I go way back. But that's a long story for another time. Long story short: she and I went to a few art classes when we were younger and she would always ruin my pictures or try to sabotage my drawings so that she would look better than the rest of us in the class. Of course she wasn't just sabotaging me, but everyone else in the class as well. I wondered if she would be in this competition as well and I knew that this was my chance to make myself look better than her.

After I watch Heather get her first place prize I go home. Sad and dejected. I see my mom looking at me with solemn eyes and she gives me a warm mom hug. I don't cry. I'm just dead and cold inside. I can't believe I lost to her. AGAIN! And she wasn't even there to ruin my drawings... I guess it really goes to show that she really is better than me... Maybe I should just give up on my artist career... Maybe...

"Gwen" my mom says to me as I'm wrapped in my thoughts, "sweetie, your picture is so beautiful. I think those judges were paid by her disgustingly rich parents for her to win" I smile at her even though I'm really dead inside. She gives me another hug and I hug back.

 **1 year later**

"Mom! Dad!" I'm so excited I'm bouncing in my computer seat and point to the screen. On it, is an email from the arts university I applied for at the start of my grade 12 year. I have decided that I wanted to go into an arts university because sciences and math was not something that I was passionate about. I'm pretty much an average Joe when it comes to sciences and math but even though I may be able to get a degree in chemistry or even in engineering, why would I choose a career path that I would hate to do in the future. As my mom always said: "money does not equal happiness".

On the email it says "Congratulations Gwendolyn! you have been accepted into the Bachelor of Arts program at NESCED please read through this email carefully and if you are interested, go to our website and sign up"

I'm ecstatic. Through the roof! I can't believe I did it! My dream university... I'm accepted to my dream university!

Later that night, I decided to tell all my friends that I got accepted via our group chat.

 **Gwen:** GUYS! I got accepted into NESCED!

 **James:** WHAT?! No way! congratulations Gwen! Wasn't that your dream university!?

 **Gwen:** YES! Oh my god guys my heart is POUNDING!

 **Lucas:** Woah! Congrats Gwen! I'm accepted into PDU and HOL but I think I'm going to go into PDU because that's closer you know?

 **Bridgette:** AHHH! I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU GWEN! :D

 **Gwen:** thanks Bridge! Anyways! I have to go to bed now but I'll see you guys tomorrow!

 **Vernon:** Congrats Gwen! That's awesome! and goodnight!

The next day I go onto the group chat and I'm shocked at what I see

 **Jacob:** Wow Gwen... I don't know what you're going to do with a degree in the Arts...

 **Vernon:** What the fuck Jacob? why are you such a downer?

 **Jacob:** I'm just being realistic. Imagine how much debt she's going to be in when she gets out of university. Probably so much it will take her years to pay it all off.

 **Vernon:** man Jacob, you're such a dick. Just be happy for her for Christs' sake

 **Jacob:** whatever. I know I'm right

 **Sam:** sorry but I would have to agree... I'm going into accounting and I know that I can easily pay my debt because at least that job gets good money

 **Bridgette:** wtf? I'm trying to sleep and you guys are talking about the unsuccessful future Gwen is going to have because she's in an Arts degree? Get a life and stop talking! I'm tired

 **James:** yeah. shut the fuck up

 **Jacob:** I'm right and you know it. anyway. goodnight

 **Vernon:** fucking dick...

* * *

This is my last thought. I'm in university now and I love my classes and what I'm learning. I'm experiencing so many different things and have been experimenting with lots of different writing tactics that I would never have approached before. I have learned the history of art and the most famous artists of all time and how they had inspiration to draw their masterpieces that have now become famous themselves. As much as I love everything about my university and what I have experienced so far is amazing... I still have a nagging feeling that this isn't the career I should choose for myself.

Will I regret this choice? There are a lot of people who also choose the Arts as a degree but I just have to know... Do they ever feel like this? Do they ever think that they chose the wrong program to be in and that they should drop out and try something else that will give them more money like I do? I lay in bed at night and think about this question a lot. Because of everything that has happened in my life I'm so confused with what I really want and that just makes me even more confused.

Until I finally have an answer... I will always ask myself:

What will I do with myself now?


	5. Good Night

So there it is. All laid out on the table. My thoughts, my feelings, my deep and dark secrets. I know that you may think, "why do I care?" or "why are you even telling me this in the first place?" well... I wish I had an answer for that myself. It is 4:00 in the morning so I guess that these thoughts have been chewing on my mind for so long that maybe I had the urge to share my thoughts to someone else out there in the world.

As much as these thoughts come back... I know that nothing will ever really give me an easy feeling, even telling you guys. It brings back feelings and memories that I never wanted to re-live again but because I wanted to tell someone, anyone, I had to re-live them. I hurt me, it made me want to cry, it made me mad, but here I am.

This is me spilling my heart out to you. I, Gwendolyn. Someone who hides their feelings with happiness or a cold-hearted stare. Someone who hates a lot of attention put onto her. Someone who hides in the shadows when she doesn't want to be seen. Am telling you these thoughts and stories as a way I guess of therapy. As a way of being vulnerable and telling someone about what has happened and what is happening to me at this moment in time

I'm truly grateful that you read this. Hopefully I showed you a new side of Gwen that you never saw before.

I think after this huge story, I can finally go to sleep. Goodnight everyone. Sleep well. Hopefully these thoughts will not return for a night or two since I've told you them. But who knows?

Thoughts like these never really go away.


End file.
